i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
