just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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