don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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