had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
