you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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