he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Randomize
