Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
She needs sedatives and a leash
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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