I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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