Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I think people are normalizing furries
Randomize
