Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Randomize
