I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Randomize
