I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
