I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
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