woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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