My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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