and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
