Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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