I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Randomize
