I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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