Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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