lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
