FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
