I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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