My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I'm like, not good at living.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
