i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
