The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize