worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
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