I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
