Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
