i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Randomize
