did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
