and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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