bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
