i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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