also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Randomize
