i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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