So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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