I'm sorry my penis didn't work
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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