She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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