Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
