If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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