my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
