its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
