So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
