I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize