someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
