I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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