Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
