I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
This is the high leading the old right now
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
