Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
