Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
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