I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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