If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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