Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
