Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
