We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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