hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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