I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Randomize
