I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Randomize
