The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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