the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize