I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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