it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
